Two months since I graduated from college. Now that it’s been a while, it’s finally starting to hit me. College is supposed to be the time of your life when you find who you are. When you do things for the hell of it. When you make mistakes and learn from them. When you take chances. When you take risks. And all of those things are supposed to help shape you into the person you want to be.
I’ve realized in these past few weeks that I never really allowed myself the chances to do those things. Sure, I dipped my toe into the pool that was outside of my comfort zone, but I never dove in headfirst. For the past four years, I’ve kept myself sheltered from hurt, from risks, and from making mistakes because I didn’t want to make the wrong ones and regret it. And yet, here I am, somewhat regretting all of that now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve definitely grown up and I’ve done things that I’m proud of, but I still have no idea who I really am.
My friend once asked me what made me happy and calm. You know what? I couldn’t even answer her question. Stress, depression and sickness took over the last four years of my life and I let them control it. Obviously, it’s not a good thing if I can’t even answer the simple question of what calms me down. Maybe that means the answer is nothing. It wouldn’t be surprising…I have anxiety over everything. If it’s not school (which it usually was, let’s be real) then it’s something else. Always taking over my brain and suffocating me from the inside out.
In the past few weeks, I’ve realized that I have hardly ever done things strictly for me. I always want to make other people happy. I always worry about their feelings. Even if I don’t do anything wrong, I feel like things are my fault. But I’m tired of that. For once, I want to allow myself to live and try new things and meet new people and make mistakes. I’m 22 years old. If I have any time to screw up once in awhile, now would be it. I want to do things for me without having to worry about hurting others, as selfish and reckless as that sounds. Because if I don’t even know who I really am, or what I really want in life, all I am is a glass, slowly but surely cracking from the pressure from school, myself and trying to make other people happy. But what happens when I reach a breaking point and shatter? Not only would I hurt everyone around me, but there wouldn’t even be anything of me that’s left. I want to be whole, on my terms, and not depend on anyone else for happiness. I want to go places that I’ve never been. I want to figure out what I want to do with my life.
I think part of my problem is that I always try to make things work. But sometimes, if things are too complicated or are causing stress, then maybe that means it’s time to step back and take a breath and just remove yourself from the situation for a bit. That also means potentially making hard decisions when you realize what’s right, which sucks. A lot. But it’s a part of life.
All I really know is that I have no idea what I want or who I want to be. It might be difficult. I will most certainly make mistakes and probably regret them, but if I’m ever going to figure things out I have to just go for it. If things are meant to be, they will find a way to be. It’s so hard for me to lose control and put my faith blindly in God and his plan, but it’s something that needs to be done if I’m ever going to grow. Out of the boat, and onto the water!