Now I’m a warrior
I’ve got thicker skin
I’m a warrior
I’m stronger than I’ve ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can’t get in
I’m a warrior
And you can never hurt me again
It’s amazing how much can change in one year. Looking back on the past 365 days, I can see myself in so many different stages, so many different places and it’s weird. In some ways, I feel the same, but in other ways I can tell that I have grown so much (unfortunately, not height-wise – I suppose that’s just gonna be how it is haha). A year ago, I was miserable. I was sick. I was hurting and unintentionally projecting that onto the people I loved. I was spiraling downwards, out of control and I didn’t even realize it. There’s much more to the story and at some point, maybe I will go into that, but for now, sharing this much is good enough for me.
I used to be driven by fear. As a type-A person, I tend to like order, plans and knowing. I will be the first to admit that I worry way too much. I’m a perfectionist, and I’m honestly not the best at handling it. For so many years, I’ve kept myself from opportunities, from experiences, from chances because I was afraid of the outcome. I was afraid of getting hurt, or worse, hurting someone else. I was so good at coming up with excuses to not put myself out there and take risks. I thought that I was protecting myself, but now, after this past year, I can see that I was just hurting myself without knowing it.
This year has been big for me so far. I have come a long way, physically and mentally, and I’m glad I can admit that. The future still freaks me out. It’s scary as hell. There is so much uncertainty. So much that I cant see. So much that I just don’t know. But recently, I’ve realized that I can’t keep holding on to that fear. Sometimes you really do have to just “let it go” and take a chance. I’m by no means a spontaneous person – my fundamental personality is still very much the same – but I’m getting more comfortable with the idea of jumping. Falling. Taking a chance. Doing something that scares me, consequences be damned. I’ve come a long way since last year. Even since last month. I’ve been able to do things that make me happy. Me – no one else, just me – because I’m finally starting to realize what those things are. I’m finally starting to figure out what I want. I still have no clue exactly what that is, but that’s okay. It’s so liberating to be able to break free from those chains. Yes, emotion can cloud judgment, but I can tell you firsthand that too much logic and rationality can cloud it just as much. It’s important to find balance.
So, I’m consciously making the effort to step out of the boat and into the waves, regardless of the storm. I’m going to do what makes me happy, and what I think is best for me. I’m going to be honest with myself and honest with others. Not everyone will agree with me. Some people may not be happy with my decisions, but I know in my heart and my head that it’s what I need right now. I will accept myself even if others do not. I would be lying if I said I would no longer be afraid and insecure, and honestly I will probably still shy away from certain things. But I will no longer let that define me. No more debilitating fear of what ifs. I am a work in progress. I will get hurt. I will fall and make mistakes. But I will also be stronger for it. No one knows what the future entails, but that shouldn’t be enough to stop anyone from finding themselves. God has a plan. It’s not set in stone; it has the potential to change at any time. But, I trust that it will be okay.